« Home

this is when it all started for me ...

well, whatever IT is ... fuck! it is making me soooo restless, indecisive, fickle. i cannot stand to live in my own skin some times. these times a restless, bone-chilling ache seizes my soul and does not let go. a residual feeling of unsatisfaction looms, hovers in the distant horizon. like a giant, dark cloud - the culmination of every loss, every disappointment, every heart break i have felt. and then there is self doubt - a nagging, high-pitched squeal that resides inside my consciousness.

where does self-doubt end and self-evaluation begin? when does 'taking stock' become wondering if i made the right choices? and why bother wondering at all? the choices have been made many years ago. is marriage a life-long commitment necessitating mutual-exclusivity and fidelity, where 2 become 1? isn't this a prison sentence,then?

is marriage a symbiotic relationship - eventually so habitual that it weaves itself into the fabric of each partner's personality? this implies that each person remains an individual and does not get assimilated by the 'marriage entity collective,' but nonetheless remain somehow intertwinned in existence. why do we think true love is ownership, possession and jealousy? is marriage really ownership and assimilation? that certainly is NOT what i signed up for ...

does true love mean sacrificing oneself to fidelity? isn't it naive to think that one can truly be sexually satisfied for a lifetime with one sexual partner? shouldn't we continually strive to push the envelope, stir the passions, seek physical satisfaction if the status quo does not meet our needs?

don't we continually strive to push the envelope and challenge ourselves in every other arena of life? then, why does the physical suffer? why do we have to settle for the status quo? and ... what if i don't want to? what if i want a meal supplment? like ... an hors d'oeuvre? if i have an hors d'oeuvre, does it mean i am rejecting the main course?

author's note: okay. so i couldn't stay away. i like this place far too much. and i missed you guys. i have tried to leave this place a few times. but you always bring me back here, my dear blogging friends.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... on Monday, March 06, 2006 at 6:21 PM |

Post a Comment

About me

  • I'm velvet
  • From the bleeding eyes of hell
  • fury wrapped in a daffodil, confused, undecided, wild child, indigo child, impatient, insomniac, rebellious, outspoken, artistic, restless, bored with routine, i love change, afraid of commitment, i work to live - not live to work, claustrophobic, perfectionist, odd and maybe downright wierd, anxious and maybe a l'il (ok, a lot) neurotic, dichotomous, a teensy bit vitrolic, prone to nastiness, a maverick and a cynic, highly intuitive, sensual, erotic, intense, spiritual -- NOT religious, a bitch, a wordsmith, poet, storyteller, addict, mother, caregiver, dog lover, voracious reader, Mac person, Coke drinker, cannibis appreciator, clean freak, prone to hissy fits, attitude - i got one, fav. colour: red, perfume: estee lauder pleasures exotic, voluptuous, afraid of falling asleep, afraid of the dark, hate being touched, still get flashbacks - PTSD, nite hawk, into fetishes, got a sadomasochistic streak in me
My profile

Search


Previous posts

Archives

what is this place?

    a place of death, discovery, duality, denial, creation

    The people: VELVET, LUPIN, 'HE'

    VELVET - that's me!

    LUPIN - the one and only, the wolf i married: selfless and giving, strong, independent, sophisticatedly bold, unafraid, addicted, mistrustful, melancholy, worldly. sort of like james bond in the real. an undiscovered GENIUS. and HOT ... really HOT.

    'HE' - the other one: weak, dependent, passive, afraid of his own shadow, egocentric, naive and sheltered. has low-set ears. a fantasy i followed and fixated on. a MIRAGE.

    this place - it's where i come to write about my life-blood: my marriage, this thing that buoys me in life's most violent and despairng tempests.

    so much so, that i wonder: how can anyone remain partner-less in life?

    truly ... how tragic. i would not be one-tenth the woman i am now if not for my marriage, my lupin and the lovely fruit i have borne.

    what a simple realization! the culmination of three processes: LISTEN, READ, SEE.

    LISTENING to the sound of myself. its amazing what we can hear, you know, if we only stop and listen. really listen.

    my body - right down to the cellular level - has so much knowledge. and wisdom. and memory. unlike the mind, the body never forgets.

    READING others. that's what i do. ever since, as a little girl, my mother used to fly into her psychotic and extremely vitriolic PMS fits.

    funny - its so easy to get inside the minds of others, based on ques like body language, tone of voice, energy emission, even.

    then why is is sooo hard to read myself?

    SEEING myself and, as a result, the world at large, in a whole new light. its that blinding elucidation. you know? when you are skulking about in a dark corner and the suddenly someone turns the lights on?

    and your pupils are so large from being in the darkness for so long that its uncomfortable to see the light?

    and so, you imagine what lies beyond the darkness ... in the light. at first maybe you think you see something. you're convinced.

    in the moment that is your truth. but as the darkness fades ... as your pupils contract. clarity comes to focus. and your truth ... it evolves.

finger this

Subscribe to this blog's feed
[What is this?]
Powered by Blogger
& Blogger Templates