ahhhhh ... my very own sanctuary. a place that velvet can call her own. no smelly, psychotic neighbours stealing my mail or leaving shit on the toilet seat! no more having to share the bathroom with that fucking troll. no more archetechtural obligation. choice. space. sanctuary. and i feel GOOD. (i knew that i would!).
EDIT: nothing. that's what he gave. nothing. wanting things so contrived. so un-real. in a stepford sort of way. twisted. a bankrupt of sorts, he showed himself as an emotional bankrupt.
i feel you slipping away, like grains of sand thru my fingers. only, when i reach out to you, i feel your cold, hard stone wall. silence -- your stone wall. and the voice of my thoughts just reverberates ... bounces off of the silent stone wall and travels back to me.
i feel the warm light cross my face tho' --the sun still shines ... and sometimes the heat of this sun burns my skin. but, regeneration never really follows far behind. oh, silent stone that has crossed my path ... the doors in my heart you have opened will not close just because you have decided not to walk thru them.
there are others, that will, that are. and the door will remain open to you. but ... a stone cannot grow. and a plant will only grow if you feed and water it. this is my message to you for today, as i sit on the edge of my cavernous self-doubt.
a place of death, discovery, duality, denial, creation
The people: VELVET, LUPIN, 'HE'
VELVET - that's me!
LUPIN - the one and only, the wolf i married: selfless and giving, strong, independent, sophisticatedly bold, unafraid, addicted, mistrustful, melancholy, worldly. sort of like james bond in the real. an undiscovered GENIUS. and HOT ... really HOT.
'HE' - the other one: weak, dependent, passive, afraid of his own shadow, egocentric, naive and sheltered. has low-set ears. a fantasy i followed and fixated on. a MIRAGE.
this place - it's where i come to write about my life-blood: my marriage, this thing that buoys me in life's most violent and despairng tempests.
so much so, that i wonder: how can anyone remain partner-less in life?
truly ... how tragic. i would not be one-tenth the woman i am now if not for my marriage, my lupin and the lovely fruit i have borne.
what a simple realization! the culmination of three processes: LISTEN, READ, SEE.
LISTENING to the sound of myself. its amazing what we can hear, you know, if we only stop and listen. really listen.
my body - right down to the cellular level - has so much knowledge. and wisdom. and memory. unlike the mind, the body never forgets.
READING others. that's what i do. ever since, as a little girl, my mother used to fly into her psychotic and extremely vitriolic PMS fits.
funny - its so easy to get inside the minds of others, based on ques like body language, tone of voice, energy emission, even.
then why is is sooo hard to read myself?
SEEING myself and, as a result, the world at large, in a whole new light. its that blinding elucidation. you know? when you are skulking about in a dark corner and the suddenly someone turns the lights on?
and your pupils are so large from being in the darkness for so long that its uncomfortable to see the light?
and so, you imagine what lies beyond the darkness ... in the light. at first maybe you think you see something. you're convinced.
in the moment that is your truth. but as the darkness fades ... as your pupils contract. clarity comes to focus. and your truth ... it evolves.
