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a dialogue with myself

what the fuck happened?

i dunno.

ok ... you don't know?

no. i don't.
the dog died.
and then ...
the fucking floor
fell out from underneath me.
that's all i know.
does that make sense?

no. not really.

well ...
i have no
logical, scientific
explanation
for what happened.
only spiritual.
and why
did i do
what i did?
what the fuck
was i thinking?

i wasn't ...
thinking.
i was running.
like i always do.
run, velvet run.
why? what for? where to?

i dunno.
time to stop
this nonsense.
the running.
the hiding.
from myself.
of myself.
time
to
dismantle the wall
that
i
have
erected
over time.

it sure is
a lot more
difficult
to dismantle
this blasted wall
than it was
to erect it!

and ... ?
shall i expect
forgiveness?
shall i expect
all will be
right
again?

forgiveness
is so much harder
than being
remorseful.
it involves
surrender.

i think that
there shall be
no grand absolution
only forgiveness
meted out
in precious, tiny sips
which lupin shall
feed to me
in spoonfuls

and ...
i think that
it shall be enuf.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... on Friday, July 14, 2006 at 9:42 PM |

Hello!

I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I'd like to request permission to use a photograph of yours in this book. Please contact me at matt@wefeelfine.org, and I'd be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Matt

matt@wefeelfine.org

Posted by Blogger Paige Elizabeth | 27/10/08 12:27  

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About me

  • I'm velvet
  • From the bleeding eyes of hell
  • fury wrapped in a daffodil, confused, undecided, wild child, indigo child, impatient, insomniac, rebellious, outspoken, artistic, restless, bored with routine, i love change, afraid of commitment, i work to live - not live to work, claustrophobic, perfectionist, odd and maybe downright wierd, anxious and maybe a l'il (ok, a lot) neurotic, dichotomous, a teensy bit vitrolic, prone to nastiness, a maverick and a cynic, highly intuitive, sensual, erotic, intense, spiritual -- NOT religious, a bitch, a wordsmith, poet, storyteller, addict, mother, caregiver, dog lover, voracious reader, Mac person, Coke drinker, cannibis appreciator, clean freak, prone to hissy fits, attitude - i got one, fav. colour: red, perfume: estee lauder pleasures exotic, voluptuous, afraid of falling asleep, afraid of the dark, hate being touched, still get flashbacks - PTSD, nite hawk, into fetishes, got a sadomasochistic streak in me
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what is this place?

    a place of death, discovery, duality, denial, creation

    The people: VELVET, LUPIN, 'HE'

    VELVET - that's me!

    LUPIN - the one and only, the wolf i married: selfless and giving, strong, independent, sophisticatedly bold, unafraid, addicted, mistrustful, melancholy, worldly. sort of like james bond in the real. an undiscovered GENIUS. and HOT ... really HOT.

    'HE' - the other one: weak, dependent, passive, afraid of his own shadow, egocentric, naive and sheltered. has low-set ears. a fantasy i followed and fixated on. a MIRAGE.

    this place - it's where i come to write about my life-blood: my marriage, this thing that buoys me in life's most violent and despairng tempests.

    so much so, that i wonder: how can anyone remain partner-less in life?

    truly ... how tragic. i would not be one-tenth the woman i am now if not for my marriage, my lupin and the lovely fruit i have borne.

    what a simple realization! the culmination of three processes: LISTEN, READ, SEE.

    LISTENING to the sound of myself. its amazing what we can hear, you know, if we only stop and listen. really listen.

    my body - right down to the cellular level - has so much knowledge. and wisdom. and memory. unlike the mind, the body never forgets.

    READING others. that's what i do. ever since, as a little girl, my mother used to fly into her psychotic and extremely vitriolic PMS fits.

    funny - its so easy to get inside the minds of others, based on ques like body language, tone of voice, energy emission, even.

    then why is is sooo hard to read myself?

    SEEING myself and, as a result, the world at large, in a whole new light. its that blinding elucidation. you know? when you are skulking about in a dark corner and the suddenly someone turns the lights on?

    and your pupils are so large from being in the darkness for so long that its uncomfortable to see the light?

    and so, you imagine what lies beyond the darkness ... in the light. at first maybe you think you see something. you're convinced.

    in the moment that is your truth. but as the darkness fades ... as your pupils contract. clarity comes to focus. and your truth ... it evolves.

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