10 days into it ...
that's how long since i left. i haven't left entirely, i suppose - for i still go there frequently. where do i reside? well, for now i reside inside myself. i sleep in the spare room of my mum's place, and a few of my things dot the room that had become the great book depository before i crashed mum's gate. the bulk of my belongs remain in some damp, cold storage locker 3 km from here. and shreds and shard of my life ... they still reside at that other place, along with the man and co-pilot whose life grew into my own. and the dog ... 10 years old ... the last remaining dependent. pieces of me ... tender, blazing shrapnel ... lie in waiting. in waiting for what? for me to shine my shrill and shrieking light on them. waiting for me to rescue them. to rediscover them - you know - the way one discovers a cherished possession thought lost and gone forever?
this solitude - well its not really a solitude but it sort of is - this rediscovery ... it leaves me awe-filled daily. i listen to myself, to my body. it tells me things. i suppose it has tried to tell me these things all along - but i was submerged and could not hear. or perhaps i heard, but did not truly listen. what have i learned? my body - every cell in my body - wants to grow and nourish and deliver a new life. without a doubt. i love. i'm amazed ... but i love. i - who thought myself a shell enclosing a shrivelled and blackened heart - i have the capacity for enormous, voracious love.
this ... discovery. i see now that i have secretly (secret in the sense of unbeknownst to me) searched for what's missing. comfort, habit, the enduring ... i had sunk so much into all of these ...to the point of submergence. this life ... it sort of swallowed me - like Jonah, swallowed by the great whale. assimilated - i think i got assimilated. where do i begin and where does this life begin? this life ... its just circumstance ... its not me - not my essence. what a simple thought. and a truly startling revelation.
