does he know?
what it means? when he writes those words ('i love you') in that tiny little box on the screen? does he understand what it entails? i honestly think that my very dearest and oldest friend, that rodeo-loving gal, had him pegged right on when she said he didn't know how to love. just depend. that's all he knows. and i see it now. so so clearly. now that i no longer need an excuse to escape, i see things unobscured.
i'm baffled really. and i wonder if this ... this ... hiatus i seem to have taken from him ... is some sort of test i have subconsciously decided to put him thru. perhaps? and so far ... he is failing miserably. he makes no efforts. takes no initiative. never an off-line message from him unless i leave one for him first. and ... weak. so very weak. like the baby bird waiting, mouth opened, for sustenance. that's him.
do i want that? when i have my lupin? one who can wine and dine with ambassadors and also survive roughing it in the woods? do i really want the one who is afraid of people? so much so that he has no vocation, no job, no career, no income. a grown man. so afraid of life that he has not really lived. do i want to continue the coddling dependence his mother began? a man who's sole occupation is just sitting at his computer waiting for people to chat with him? who's entire schedule is governed by his parents? in his 40s and still living by mommy and daddy's rules because he cannot make it on his own. sad. twisted. sick, in a way.
that is not a partner. more like a dependent. how can that hold any attraction for me? is it mean to think that way?
this guy sounds like a real emotional retard. (You must really love him...)
Posted by
Anonymous |
9/7/06 05:45
yes - emotional retard is exactly it! love him? um ... no, not that one. thought i did when i first met him. but i see now that i really was in love with the escape he represented.
that said, he is a sweet tragic figure - the type a girl would be inclined to feel sorry for and want to rescue.
Posted by
velvet acid tongue |
9/7/06 05:51
love him. still stuck on those words. ummmm ... love him the way you would love a sweet sad puppy that you see at the humane society. the one that desperately begs you with his eyes to be rescued. but ... i am seeing that this is not the sort of love that could sustain a partnership. how can it? so much dependence ... too much.
Posted by
velvet acid tongue |
9/7/06 08:17