maiden and the wolf

shreds ...

that's how it all turned out ... shreds. how, exactly, did this happen? i mean, it feels like i woke up and found my life like this ... shreds. WTF??? where, i wonder, was i when it all fell to shreds? drowning ... ? perhaps. drowning in a sea of identity thru others. velvet, mother. velvet, wife. velvet, existing only in relation to the others in her life. velvet, brutally wounded by the bayonettes called anger, grief, parenting. parenting ... we all want it. that's because we have no idea how horribly difficult, isolating and painful it really is ... and because we don't count on getting a child that's defective ... unable to fit the mold we so desperately want it to fit ... unable to even love its parents.

shreds. each and every day. the defective child ... the one the parents grieve, despite his physical presence. each day a new feeling of loss superimposed on top of the old feelings of loss. each day, the violent slap of unrequited love ... the painful desperation of knowing i love and do not receive any in return. shreds ... each parent, consumed in grief, anger, desperation. grief, with no closure. never closure. only a dull aching and a feeling of failure. FAILURE.

consumed. this thing ... consumed us. or ... we allowed ourselves to be consumed. does it matter now? we are empty nesters ... empty being the key word. we are left in the nest ... feeling empty, they have emptied us out ... the children of this marriage. what remains? two empty shells ... formerly known as ourselves. who are we? who am i? who is he? what are we doing here? besides brooding, brooding, and spewing unhappiness. when does love become habit ...? when does need become habit? habit ... an action one engages in without consideration. is that what we have become?

how does one extract oneself from the tangles of grief, anger, isolation, guilt, emptiness? can there be salvation? can there be redemption ...? i mean, redemption for the relationship ...? does anything remain to be redeemed? does whatever remains WANT to be redeemed? that, dear readers, is quite the question. isn't it?

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 7:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

as in leaving the (un)comfortable zone ... as in all my doubts regarding the right course action had left me. what do i feel? not sadness, not anger, just ... just ... immense relief. like, i can exhale now.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 11:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

EDIT: narrow-minded. rigid. egocentric, in a pre-operational sense. an emotional retard, if you will. incapable of love, sacrfice, compromise, controlling. and so ... no wonder he accepted nothing that was truly 'me'

accept me happy
accept me sad
accept me angry
accept me despairing
accept me acidic, vitriolic
accept me, darling
accept all of me -
accept the beauty
accept the ugliness
accept the shining light
accept the abject darkness

loving someone means loving all of the above ...

please, darling ... i hope you can accept me as i am.

i am not a care bear - a won't fake happiness to make everyone feel better.

that, darling, is who i am.

and ... this - who i am ... loves you very much.

accept that, too darling.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 11:04 PM | Permalink | Comments

EDIT: how passionately i felt about my escape fantasy. FANTASY. that's all it ever could be.

i love you
i want you
i long for you
i long to make love to you
i dream of you
i think of you constantly


you make me smile, darling. you fill me up. with you i am complete. if you love me then i have all i need, darling. really.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 10:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

EDIT: no. no. no. it was NOT the missing piece of myself. that piece ... i think it dissolved. into my children. my dependents. they take a piece of you know. and they never give it back. did i think another dependent would fill the hole? when will i learn?

something has happened ... some of you may know, the rest of you don't need to ... an encounter, a connection, with a person. it has not just filled a void in my heart, it has opened my heart to possibilities i never considered before. suddenly, the sun shines on an entirely new corner of my life. am i on a cusp. i feel. its thrilling.

i can feel the sadness, the grief, the loneliness fall away from me, just the same way sand falls thru my fingers. i feel hope, gentle, yet enduring like one of those long spring rains. something, someone, has reached inside me and quelled that burning and restless longing that has seized me for ... well, forever. how does someone do that? i did not think it was possible. i think i've found the missing piece of myself.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments