maiden and the wolf

EDIT: realization. that running never solves anything. nor does distraction. the longing. from where does it originate? i have know, deep down there somewhere, all along that i could not live without lupin. maybe i didn't fully realize it. at all times.

this sad, visceral longing, that has loomed over my soul for these past few days - it's fear. i believe that its fear. of even thinking about changing the unchangeable. of challenging an entity that has weaved itself into the fabric of my heart. its like ... trying to envision living without water ... or oxygen. simply impossible. i cannot live without him, my lupin ... he is my water, my oxygen. as long as he is on this planet, i must exist with him.

but ... things do not have to be so black and white, do they? i like to think they do not. and think that ... i can choose to explore uncharted territory without wreaking complete havoc. i'm so glad in a way that this deep aching longing, which sat in the pit of my stomach for the past several days, i'm so glad that it has turned out to be my own fear. my own fear of changing the unchangeable.

yes ... there is a burning longing ... for ? feeling, unbridled passion, and possibily ... for one so far away - an escape? this ache -- it wants to know itself, that's all. know all the dark and tender secrets of my mind, the raw sensitive spots on my soul and ... whatever else i am willing to share with myself.

we must dare to dream, fantasize. i think we must.

but for now ... i wait.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 8:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

On this *th mother’s day of ours,
it is with sincere gratitude that I wish you

a very happy Mother’s Day

Although just a wish, wishes being as ephemeral as a courtship promise of the moon
or the dream in a lottery ticket, the gratitude in this wish
is as profound as the sincerity that ruled our relationship

When I needed a dependable partner, you were there for me
when our boys needed a Mother, you were there for them
when our hounds needed a shepherd, you were the steward of their cause

These life altering achievements beacon your inner strength like a structure’s keystone

In your life quest for self actualization, you can rely on yourself for you have the warmth of comfort,
the heart of a home and the resilience of stone

You are the key; unlock your life and live long and prosper

Happy Mother’s Day

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

that's how long since i left. i haven't left entirely, i suppose - for i still go there frequently. where do i reside? well, for now i reside inside myself. i sleep in the spare room of my mum's place, and a few of my things dot the room that had become the great book depository before i crashed mum's gate. the bulk of my belongs remain in some damp, cold storage locker 3 km from here. and shreds and shard of my life ... they still reside at that other place, along with the man and co-pilot whose life grew into my own. and the dog ... 10 years old ... the last remaining dependent. pieces of me ... tender, blazing shrapnel ... lie in waiting. in waiting for what? for me to shine my shrill and shrieking light on them. waiting for me to rescue them. to rediscover them - you know - the way one discovers a cherished possession thought lost and gone forever?

this solitude - well its not really a solitude but it sort of is - this rediscovery ... it leaves me awe-filled daily. i listen to myself, to my body. it tells me things. i suppose it has tried to tell me these things all along - but i was submerged and could not hear. or perhaps i heard, but did not truly listen. what have i learned? my body - every cell in my body - wants to grow and nourish and deliver a new life. without a doubt. i love. i'm amazed ... but i love. i - who thought myself a shell enclosing a shrivelled and blackened heart - i have the capacity for enormous, voracious love.

this ... discovery. i see now that i have secretly (secret in the sense of unbeknownst to me) searched for what's missing. comfort, habit, the enduring ... i had sunk so much into all of these ...to the point of submergence. this life ... it sort of swallowed me - like Jonah, swallowed by the great whale. assimilated - i think i got assimilated. where do i begin and where does this life begin? this life ... its just circumstance ... its not me - not my essence. what a simple thought. and a truly startling revelation.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 1:25 AM | Permalink | Comments