maiden and the wolf

well ... it's clear
what lupin and i must do
we're doin' the phoenix!

out of ashes rises
... us ...
a new entity - a new 'us'
not the former us
not the same marriage
no no no

so, now we build
a new house
to replace the one
we torched so brilliantly

he, at his end
with his assigned tasks
me, at my end
with mine
and us

he and me
engaging a choice
lupin and velvet
choose to spend
their lives together

freedom of person
for, one can have
fidelity and freedom
in a marriage.

so ...
freedom = no entrapment
entrapment?
yes, entrapment.
for ... having nowhere else
to ever awake
aside from beside your partner
forever

that seems quite a sentence, no?

don't get me wrong.
remember i mentioned FIDELITY
but personal freedom -
that means freedom to be oneself
you know ...
not get absorbed into
someone else's matrix

freedom ... FIDELITY ... respect ... the three big ones.

i have permission
to seek out
another woman,
but not
another man
i could not bring myself
to seriously physically consider
anyone but lupin ... really

and so we make our way up the cinnamon hill.
its sweet and a little piquant.
and i am grateful for it.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 7:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 6:33 AM | Permalink | Comments

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

what the fuck happened?

i dunno.

ok ... you don't know?

no. i don't.
the dog died.
and then ...
the fucking floor
fell out from underneath me.
that's all i know.
does that make sense?

no. not really.

well ...
i have no
logical, scientific
explanation
for what happened.
only spiritual.
and why
did i do
what i did?
what the fuck
was i thinking?

i wasn't ...
thinking.
i was running.
like i always do.
run, velvet run.
why? what for? where to?

i dunno.
time to stop
this nonsense.
the running.
the hiding.
from myself.
of myself.
time
to
dismantle the wall
that
i
have
erected
over time.

it sure is
a lot more
difficult
to dismantle
this blasted wall
than it was
to erect it!

and ... ?
shall i expect
forgiveness?
shall i expect
all will be
right
again?

forgiveness
is so much harder
than being
remorseful.
it involves
surrender.

i think that
there shall be
no grand absolution
only forgiveness
meted out
in precious, tiny sips
which lupin shall
feed to me
in spoonfuls

and ...
i think that
it shall be enuf.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 9:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 3:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

"... you have served me so well. and i ... i have not served you nearly as well."

a profound realization.
i'm truly convinced blazer had everything to do with it.
convinced.
and ...
i'm no cracker jack ....
just a soul who senses
what others may miss

my darling and beautiful shaggy angel hound ....
thank you ....
it seems small to say so,
considering all you have done.

godspeed my hound.
i feel you around me.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 6:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

what it means? when he writes those words ('i love you') in that tiny little box on the screen? does he understand what it entails? i honestly think that my very dearest and oldest friend, that rodeo-loving gal, had him pegged right on when she said he didn't know how to love. just depend. that's all he knows. and i see it now. so so clearly. now that i no longer need an excuse to escape, i see things unobscured.

i'm baffled really. and i wonder if this ... this ... hiatus i seem to have taken from him ... is some sort of test i have subconsciously decided to put him thru. perhaps? and so far ... he is failing miserably. he makes no efforts. takes no initiative. never an off-line message from him unless i leave one for him first. and ... weak. so very weak. like the baby bird waiting, mouth opened, for sustenance. that's him.

do i want that? when i have my lupin? one who can wine and dine with ambassadors and also survive roughing it in the woods? do i really want the one who is afraid of people? so much so that he has no vocation, no job, no career, no income. a grown man. so afraid of life that he has not really lived. do i want to continue the coddling dependence his mother began? a man who's sole occupation is just sitting at his computer waiting for people to chat with him? who's entire schedule is governed by his parents? in his 40s and still living by mommy and daddy's rules because he cannot make it on his own. sad. twisted. sick, in a way.

that is not a partner. more like a dependent. how can that hold any attraction for me? is it mean to think that way?

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 1:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

i dunno. honestly. i don't. the fizz has completely died off for me. no butterflies. not anymore. lack of reciprocity killed it. impotent, in a social sort of way. and that will never do for velvet. never.

but. still. there's the matter of the seed. which i must have. and soon. and so there's no question. i must keep it up. i think that dude from the dog whisperer was right on. loving something out of pity is not really a viable kind of love is it?

i don't want a dependence. a shackling. i want a someone that lets me be me. and, know what? i've had it all along.

lupin + velet = til death do us part ... at 3:01 PM | Permalink | Comments